January 4, 2016 • CULTURE

A Southerner’s New Year’s Resolutions



Dolly Parton, our original American Idol, in the early 1970s. If we can’t sing like she can, at least we can resolve to have our hair reach those heights.

Here are our resolutions for 2016. What are yours?

  • To eat a more balanced diet. Every meal must feature something from every food group: salty, sweet, fried, and au gratin.
  • To stay current on our correspondence. Our relationship with the Abbotts next door just hasn’t been the same since our thank-you note arrived three days after their dinner party instead of the next morning.
  • To make our hair even bigger. Come January 2, we’ll be standing outside Sally Beauty at opening to pick up a new teasing comb and firm-hold hairspray. Every inch counts.
  • To cut out gossip. Just as soon as we tell you what we heard Mary Susan Roberts had on at church last weekend. Oh, and who we saw Bobby Ray with at the Coes’ cookout.
  • To become a better tailgate hostess. Just laying out devils on horseback, sausage balls, pecan pie, peach pie, apple pie, Rotel dip, pigs in a blanket, chicken on a biscuit, deviled eggs, boiled peanuts, and nachos isn’t enough anymore. Time to really step up our game.
  • To learn more about foreign cultures. Surely there’s much we have yet to learn about the customs and mores of places like Ohio and Arizona.

Let’s commit to sticking to the plan, y’all. By 2017, we’ll be practically perfect.